It is a shame that single mothers are living in poverty. There shouldn’t be a reason why our children have to suffer because of the “lack of” not having what they need. Each day, a single mother has to make a decision about what has to be sacrificed to get through the day and/or maybe the month. Many times, a single mother has to play “catch up” on bills because her income isn’t enough to pay all the bills and take care of her responsibilities.
Single mothers carefully decide which bills are important for the month. As if her schedule isn’t busy enough, she has to figure something out, because all of the bills need to be paid. Her children need water, gas and/or electricity to stay warm, shower, and eat.
Somehow, some way or another, something has to give. That is the life of a single mother, something always has to give. All she does is “give.” If a single mother needs assistance she has to go through hell and back to receive help.
She has to make a choice again. Something has to give again. Either she calls into her job, not being able to work her shift. Knowing she needs every penny. Or she seeks assistance, knowing there’s a possibility she might not be approved. That’s a risk she has to take; working her shift for today, or losing out on her hours that could have put money in her pocket. However, she knows she needs help; and that’s a risk she’s willing to take.
The choice is never easy. As she makes a critical decision to head to the Department of Family and Children Services Office, she finds that there’s a long line filled with single mothers with worried looks on their faces. Either they have their children in a stroller, on their hip, or they are holding their hands.
The first time, I walked into the Department of Family and Children Services, I felt ashamed and embarrassed, but I knew I needed help. When I stepped foot in the door, all eyes were on me. I saw children with runny noses, shoes torn apart, and some of them didn’t even have on a coat (it was cold outside). However, I am more than sure, every mother that was applying for assistance was doing the best she could do.
Each chair in the room had nasty stains as if it was dried-up poop, however, it was built-up dirt. Instead, I decided to sit on the floor because the floor was much cleaner than the chairs. “Is this your first time here?” a young girl asked me.
“Yes,” I replied.
“Oh, well, you have to sign in at the front desk,” she added.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“You’re Welcome,” she said.
The room was filled with so many mothers who were in need of assistance. As I walked to the front desk, I was saying excuse me over and over again. I had to watch my step very carefully as there were children playing and sliding on the floor to keep themselves busy.
I walked to the front desk. A lady barely looked up. However, she didn’t acknowledge my presence.
There were tons of pencils and clipboards on the counter.
“Take one of each,” the lady said, without making eye contact.
“Excuse me?” I asked, humble and confused.
“Take one of each. Take one pencil. Take one clipboard,” she said rudely.
I didn’t say anything because I knew I needed assistance.
I took one pencil and clipboard.
As she gathered the paperwork, I held my hand out. She put a bright yellow paper on the counter because she didn’t want to touch my hand.
I took the bright yellow paper off the counter. I walked away, sat on the floor, and filled it out.
I took the paper back and reached out to give it to her. “You can put it on the counter and I will get it,” she said, without ever making eye contact.
I put it down and walked back to my corner.
Hours went by before my name was called. I filled the time by reading over my notes because I had an exam within two days.
Finally, my name was called, “Charlena. Charlena Jackson,” a light but firm voice said.
I gathered my things, “Here.” I answered.
The older lady was very polite and she held the door open for me. “Follow me,” she said.
“How are you doing this morning?” she asked.
I was taken aback because of the rudeness from earlier. “I am doing well, thank you for asking. How are you doing?”
Her voice changed. It was like she never been asked how she was doing before. “I am fine now, thank you so much for asking.”
She paused.
“You know, Charlena, it’s a wonderful feeling when someone asks you in return how you are doing,” she said with a huge smile on her face.
“It is a wonderful thing,” I replied.
We walked into her cubical which had a nice view of the trees outside. “How can I help you?” she asked.
“I am here because I need assistance for myself and my children. Daycare, healthcare insurance, and food stamps,” I replied.
She gathered my information and logged everything into the system.
“Umm,” she murmured a couple of times.
She finally broke the silence. “I see you’re working,” she said as she looked at the computer screen.
“Yes. I am a work-study student,” I replied.
“Oh,” she said as her eyebrows arched.
“Umm, I see you own a car,” she added.
“Yes. I do. A Mazda 626,” I answered.
“I see that it is paid off,” she said as she focused on the screen.
I wasn’t sure what she was getting at. “Yes. It is. I paid it off last year,” I answered.
“With what?” she asked out of curiosity.
“Well, I made monthly payments with my refund check from school,” I replied.
“I see you are a student and receive government loans. What is your major?” she asked.
“Yes. I am in school. My major is biology,” I answered.
“Biology,” she repeated.
“Yes,” I confirmed.
“So, you attend a university?” she asked, as her voice changed.
I was confused by her questions. “Yes. I attend a university,” I answered slowly.
“Well, you are doing better than me. I haven’t gotten the chance to go back to school,” she remarked.
I sat there in silence as I looked at her.
“Well, Charlena, unfortunately, if you want assistance you would have to attend a technical school. The Government does not provide assistance to students who are in a university,” she said, as her attitude changed.
To have an understanding of what she said I sat back in my chair and asked, “I cannot receive assistance because I am in college?”
“Technically, Charlena, you are not in college, you attend a university. Not to mention, you own your car and you work. The evidence that is provided here states that you are willing and able to provide for yourself and your children,” she said with a smirk on her face.
I paused.
“Look on the bright side. You are doing better than me. You’re working on your degree, and I have nothing,” she continued sarcastically.
“Thank you, for your time,” I said as I walked out of her cubicle.
There were so many things wrong in that conversation. It saddens me that a mother must be beyond her last hope in order to receive help. It is pathetic that a single mother is punished for trying to make a better life and living for her children. Let it be known, working, going to school, and taking care of my children (two at the time) wasn’t easy.
The root of the problem is that the fathers of the fatherless children get a slap on the wrist for doing nothing. They are not held accountable for anything. Yet single mothers have to suffer to provide. We are told no we cannot receive assistant because we are trying to better ourselves. Goodness gracious, the picture is tainted.
Single mothers are judged and hear this statement all the time: “You knew what he was about before you slept with him.” That could be true in a sense, but the reality is — people change as well. The person you met years ago turns out to be totally different from the person you know now.
How is it fair to put blame on the mother? How is it fair to even pass judgment? Asking for assistance shouldn’t determine a mother’s worth. A mother shouldn’t be looked down upon as if she is a contagious disease. We, as single mothers, are trying the best we can without help from the fathers of the fatherless children. The root of the problem is so far from the truth, and it needs to be revised.
I waited about six months to reapply at a different location (the Department of Family and Children Services). After going through so much disrespect, hell, and paperwork, I finally was approved for assistance. However, in order to be approved; sadly, I had to cut down my hours at work, and since my mother was the co-signer on the car, I had to make sure the car was entirely in her name. I didn’t drop out of school. However, in order to be approved for daycare and food stamps; I had to sign up for a government check.
I did whatever it took legally to receive assistance to make my load easier. All that I sacrificed was worth it because my children had more than enough food to eat, and I used the government check to pay for their clothes. What remained I used to pay my bills. Daycare was amazing because I didn’t have to take my daughter to school with me (at that time she was a couple of months). I also had health insurance (Medicaid) which was a huge help.
I made the best of what I was given. I took advantage of the system and made it work for me. Although I had to put up with their rudeness every six months, I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to burn any bridges. I knew I was doing this for my babies and myself to get ahead.
When my daughter was six years old her father had a mandatory court date. I called the Child Support Office for an update. I kid you not, when I say, I was on hold for four hours until a representative finally took my call. To pass the time, I cleaned the house, washed clothes, made dinner, picked my children up from school, went for a walk in the park to talk about our day, and helped them with their homework.
This wasn’t the first time this issued occurred — one day, one of my classes was canceled and my children were at school. I called the Child Support Office to get an update on my case. Needless to say, I never had the chance to speak to anyone. I’m glad I had my charger handy. After waiting on hold for three hours — I was curious to see how long was I going to be holding to speak with a representative, therefore, I made the choice to hold on to seek an answer to my “curious” question. Pathetically, I was holding on from 9 a.m -5 p.m as if I was working an eight-hour shift (getting paid) just to hold the phone. To take advantage of the time — I ran a couple of errands (I waited in line to pay my power, water, and gas bill), went to the grocery store, iron my children’s clothes for the remaining of the week, fixed their lunch, cooked dinner, studied, picked my children up from school, and spent time with them all while holding for a representative. When the clock struck 5 p.m. I was disconnected from the call. Needless to say, I am not going to say it was a waste of time. I would say, I’ve proven my case — when it comes to mothers needing assistance or getting an update for “making” the child’s father pay little to nothing in child support — it is a tug-a-war.
Long story short, My daughter’s father told the judge he made minimum wage (he brought his check for proof). Let me remind you, he was behind five thousand dollars in child support. The judge granted his wish to continue to pay the minimum which was two hundred and twenty-three dollars monthly. Sadly, I was on the phone for hours and couldn’t reach anyone, however, my child’s father made demands of what he couldn’t do and his demands were granted. This picture here — is flawed and tainted in so many ways and on so many levels. Yet, the government states they seek the best interest for the children.
I was so angry! What can I do with two hundred and twenty-three dollars a month? How selfish on the father’s and judge’s part. I was speechless and highly disappointed. The judge (government) should be ashamed because I was getting more than that when I was receiving a government check.
I asked the Child Support Adviser, how could that be? As she and I looked through my file, we saw there were months and years he had gone without paying a penny. Several months he paid only one dollar and twenty-five cents. The most he ever paid monthly was forty-four dollars and some change. To add insult to injury, he told the judge he couldn’t pay the minimum and to not suspend his driver’s licenses.
The judge again granted his wish and put him in a Father Development Class. Basically, he got a slap on the wrist to continue to do nothing. What the fathers of the fatherless children and the judge fail to realize is that they are not hurting the mother; they are hurting the children. The children are going without; what can a child get from a Father Development Class. That is simply time being wasted, and an excuse to not pay child support. Especially since he made the choice to not be involved in his daughter’s life since she was a couple of months old.
How is it that the fathers of the fatherless children can pay the minimum in child support and that is fine with the state. In reality, the state doesn’t care; the judges basically says it is not their problem. Two-hundred and twenty-three dollars! How in the world is a mother supposed to support her children with that? That is not enough money for daycare, afterschool care, food, clothes, shoes, not to mention if your child has special needs such as speech or disability, and/or extra activities (soccer, cheerleading, tennis, etc.) Is it fair that the mother has to do the best with what she is given and still work her butt off to make ends meet? What is given is not even half of her check. Yet, the fathers of fatherless children continue to live life without any worries or responsibilities.
The root of the problem is neglected by the judges (government) because they do not care; they are trying to get through as many files as possible during the day. They do not take the child’s well-being into consideration.
Three years later, my daughter turned nine years old. I asked for my child support case to be revised. I was asked by her father to take a DNA test to stall for time. The test came back that he was 99.9 percent the father (which I knew, and he knew it too). Years passed and I called to receive an update. I was told by the Child Support Representative that he has to take care of himself first in order to provide child support. Towards the end of the conversation, she said the child support revision is still pending.
Eight years later, my daughter is seventeen years old and the request is still pending.
The root of the problem will never be resolved unless the court system looks out for the best interest of the children.
However, their best interest for the children has a different definition. There are mothers who are in a domestic violence relationship who ask for help, yet it goes unheard and ignored by the system, but the voices of the fathers of the fatherless children are heard when they do not have enough money to pay child support. However, they “say” they’re looking out for the best interest of the child. How so?
There are mothers who worked two or three jobs to keep up with the bills, receiving nothing or very little in child support. Some mothers do not have support from family or friends, therefore, they will leave their children at home with their oldest child. In some states, it is forbidden. It depends on the age (which is understandable); however, there are mothers who leave their children at home with their fifteen-year-old who are charged with neglect because they had to work the night shift. What is a mother supposed to do when support is limited?
Most of the time, when the mothers apply for government assistance, they are not eligible for assistance from the government Childcare and Parent Services (CAPS). They are turned away because they make too much money from their minimum-wage 9–5 job, which is why some mothers work two or three jobs to have enough to get by.
Yet, the mother is charged with child abandonment because she trusted her fifteen-year-old to watch over her children at night (because she thought they would be sleeping) while she works.
After she gets off the graveyard shift, she will go home, cook breakfast, get her children together for school; and take them to school as she gets a couple of hours in for her next shift. How is the mother charged with child abandonment and child cruelty while the father of the fatherless children has no penalties or consequences to pay? That is a deep-rooted problem that needs to be analyzed.
How is it abandonment if a mother lets her fifteen-year-old stay home with the children for a couple of hours so she can make it to her second job on time to provide for her children? When she comes home, a social worker is at her house, picking up her kids, and/or the mother is taken to jail for trying to support her children.
A mother does the best she can; however, the odds are not in her favor. A single mother will be charged for neglect if her child has on dirty clothes, or if the child says he/she didn’t have enough food to eat last night. The mother will be charged with neglect because the lights or water were off until her next check comes within two weeks.
The mother goes through so much and gets so little. How is that fair? The root of the problem is buried, clearly overlooked, and ignored.
The fathers of the fatherless children are the ones who abandon and neglect their sons and daughters. They are not held responsible for their part in regards to helping raise their children. Where is the justice for our sons and daughters? Father of the fatherless children, you are a sorry excuse for a man.
Single mothers, where do we go from here? We have asked ourselves times and time again, how do we fly without wings? How do we fight without armor? How do we survive with little to nothing?
We must continue to fight for our children with our voices and actions. It hurts, and God knows, it’s hard to breathe most days. We cannot, and we must not lose the will to fight. We are our children’s purpose and future. We cannot lose hope. We must count our suffering as joy. It is because of us (the single mothers) that our children have wings to fly. It is because of single mothers that our sons and daughters have hope for a new day. Their dreams that will form into reality and the smiles on their faces are like music to our ears.
Nobody can feel our pain, nor do they care to hear our cry. However, our children’s laughter brings us so much joy and makes us realize why we work as hard as we do.
The fathers of the fatherless children, government, judges, and child support agencies have cold, cold hearts. However, I have good news, single mothers! I do know this will not, and cannot, go on forever because our children are our future, and everyone who’s in a position of power right now will one day have to step down from the podium.
Single mothers, we have to raise our children to take a stand and change the world. After all, in time, the world will be theirs to carry and change. Therefore, a change is coming sooner than we think.
Do not give up, keep the faith, and know that as single mothers, we have what it takes to survive.
