I opened my eyes and looked at the time. It was 11:24 a.m. I was in a lot of pain. My throat, chest, stomach, and nose hurt. Not to mention, my head was hurting very badly as well. I was thinking to myself, what is going on and why do I feel like pure shit?
Dr. Grant and my pops were in the room. There were a couple of nurses in the room too. I looked at Dr. Grant, rolled my eyes, and said to myself, from now on I am going to call her Dr. Grinch.
My pops smiled, “Rise and shine, Sunshine.” He squeezed my hand, “How are you feeling?” I looked at my pops, but when I tried to speak, my throat was hurting really badly. My pops softly said, “Take your time.”
I looked around and one of the nurses walked over. “Hello, Skylar, I am Nurse Caroline.”
I tried to speak, but my words didn’t fully come out of my mouth. Dr. Grinch walked over with a cup of water in her hand. I rolled my eyes and hit her hand and the cup fell on the floor. Nurse Caroline stepped back and said, “Skylar, I am going to check your vitals.”
I didn’t say anything. I looked at my pops and he started to tear up. I rolled my eyes at him too. I noticed I was in a different room. The walls were light blue. When the sun beamed in it complemented the rainbow picture that was hanging on the wall. It made the wall look as though there were no clouds in the sky. The wall made it seem like it was a sunny, clear-blue-sky day.
My pops called my name. I kept my eyes on the blue wall in front of me. I was filled with rage!
I looked over to my left and noticed I had a bathroom. I looked over to my right and noticed the window was huge, and there was a beautiful view of the baby-blue sky. Just like my sky-blue wall, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
Dr. Grinch asked, “Skylar, did knocking the cup out of my hand make you feel better?”
I didn’t respond. I kept my eyes on the blue wall. I tried to talk, but the words wouldn’t come out. I looked down and saw a plastic tube. I panicked. I jumped up as I said to myself what is this! My pops jumped up, “Sunshine, it is okay.” I felt like I was going to have a heart attack because my chest was hurting.
Nurse Caroline handed me a cup of water. I was aiming to either grab the cup and throw it or tip it out of her hand as well. She snatched the cup back quickly. “Oh no, ma’am. With all due respect, my dear, I will not tolerate your outrage. If I hand over this water and you slap it out of my hand — me and you are going to have some issues to nip in the bud.” As she stood in front of me, she asked, “My dear, do you want some water? If so, I will help you, if need be.” She looked at the floor, rolled her eyes, and looked back at me. “If this water somehow or some way finds its way onto the floor, you will not get any more water from me.”
I looked at her and asked in a firm, groggy, dry-throated nasty tone, “Who do you think you are?”
She told me, “I don’t have to think about who I am. As a matter of fact, I know exactly who I am and why I am here. I am Nurse Caroline. I want to help you, but if you are going to be disrespectful, I will kindly excuse myself.”
I rolled my eyes at her and looked the other way.
She continued, “My dear, I am fine with you looking the other way, but one thing I do know, you are going to respect me.”
I looked at her from the corner of my eye. She asked again, “My dear, do you want some water?” I nodded my head yes. “My dear, I need to hear you say yes or no,” she replied. I looked at her as I tried to say yes. She told me to take my time. She held out the cup as I gently took it from her hand and said, “Thank you.”
She smiled, “You’re Welcome.” I slowly took a couple of sips. It cleared my throat which hurt so badly. Nurse Caroline said gently, “Skylar, dear, take your time. It is okay.”
I looked at her and tried to crack a smile, but my face felt like solid dried concrete. I took a couple more sips and tried to speak again. My throat was itchy, but I manage to ask slowly, “What is this plastic thing in my nose?”
Dr. Grinch explained, “Skylar, it is a feeding tube.”
I looked down and noticed my hands and feet weren’t tied down. I should have noticed that when I slapped the cup of water out of her hand. Dr. Grinch said, “Yes, we took the straps off. They will stay off only if you can control yourself. From the looks of it, you might have them back on sooner rather than later.”
I cut my eyes at Dr. Grinch. The tube in my nose hurts so bad. I slowly asked Nurse Caroline when they would take the feeding tube out of my nose. Dr. Grinch said, “When you gain more weight and are willing to eat on your own.”
I balled my fist and said as loudly as I could (my throat was throbbing and hurting so badly), “I am not talking to you!” I looked at Dr. Grant and told her, “You are a Grinch. You did this to me on purpose.”
Dr. Grinch (Grant), said, “You refused to eat and you were acting totally insane the other day.” She walked closer, “Skylar, I know you are not crazy.” I kept my fist balled. She looked down at my fist and said, “I am not going to allow you to hit me or knock things out of my hand.
The other day, you tried to spit on me. That was totally unacceptable. I will not allow that.”
I balled my fist tighter and tighter and said in a firm, slow, bitter voice, “Dr. Grinch, why do you hate me?”
Her response was, “Firstly, I do not hate you. I’ve been trying to help you since you were admitted. Secondly, my name is Dr. Grant, not Dr. Grinch. Thirdly, if you want this feeding tube to come out you have to do better.”
I rolled my eyes. I begin to breathe heavily as I looked at the blue wall. She continued, “It’s been in for a couple of days now. We had to put you asleep because you were being disrespectful. If you continue to act this way, we will run tests on you and transfer you to the psychiatric ward.” She looked at me as if she was happy to see me in this state, “You have up to two weeks or we can take it out before then. It is up to you.”
I looked at my pops and asked, “What does she mean, they put me to sleep for a couple of days?”
I looked confused. “How long have I been out cold?” My pops took my hand. I snatched it back, “How long did they drug me?”
My pops said, with tears in his eyes, “Sunshine, please do not shut me out. Please. Let me be here for you.” I looked at him and asked again, “How long have I been out, Pops?”
He said, “About four days.” I couldn’t yell, instead, I said in the highest pitch voice as I could, “What!”
He told me, “Sunshine, you kept fighting people.” He wiped the tears from his face and asked slowly, “Sunshine, you don’t remember?”
I shook my head no. I then said as slowly and as calmly as I could, “I’ve been out four days straight.”
I looked at Dr. Grinch, Nurse Caroline, and my pops, and asked in an ugly tone, “Well… did someone wash my ass? Or did you all act as though I was already dead and tried to let me rot in here?”
Tears were streaming down my pops’ face. “Skylar, why would you say that?”
I looked at Dr. Grinch, “Well… don’t you want me dead? It would make your job a lot easier. Right?”
She replied, “Skylar, I do not want you dead. What I am going to do is refer you to a psychologist for your stay, which will start later today. If not today, most definitely tomorrow.”
I was breathing hard because I was so angry. I asked her to leave. She declined.
I started to breathe harder and my pops pleaded, “Skylar, let us help you.”
I sat in the bed, feeling helpless. I had a tube up my nose, I’d been knocked out for four days, and I was barely alive. I started to cry. Nurse Caroline walked over with some tissue and said in a sweet voice, “Skylar, let us help you.” She touched my hand and smiled. “How old are you?”
I didn’t pull my hand back, instead, I looked at her fingers as they rubbed against my knuckles and told her, “I am 17 years old.”
She smiled again, “My Elizabeth is 18 years old — she will be graduating high school soon.” She looked down at my hand as she rubbed it, looked back up at me and said, “It’s bittersweet. I know she has to live her life, but I am going to miss her.”
I put my other hand on top of hers and softly told her, “She’s lucky to have a mother like you.”
Nurse Caroline smiled and asked, “You think so?”
I tried to smile, but it hurt, so I smirked a little, “Yes, she is, because you have unconditional love for her.” I looked over at my pops and said, “Just like my pops has for me.”
He smiled, walked over, and kissed my forehead. “Always. Always, my sunshine.”
Nurse Caroline said, “Skylar, you are going to be alright. I see the fighter in you.” I tried to smile again, but my face was so dry. “Oh, my dear, your face is drier than a wall of bricks.” I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. Instead, I giggled a little. She continued, “Hold your pretty little horses. I am going to be right back.” I nodded my head okay. For the first time, my heart was smiling.
Nurse Caroline’s touch was sincere, caring, and gentle. She walked in with a pep in her step and announced, “I have the magic potion!” It was a small container of Vaseline. I’d never been that happy to see Vaseline before. I started to wiggle my toes and move my head from side to side. She danced as she walked to my bed and asked, “May I put Vaseline on your face and lips? I promise, I will be very careful.”
I nodded my head yes at the same time. I softly said, “Yes.” Her hands were so soft, and smooth as a baby’s bottom. As she wiped my face, I closed my eyes and rested my hand on hers as her hand led the way. As I sat there with my eyes closed, I kept wishing that she was my mother. I said to myself, her daughter is so lucky. After she greased my face, I smiled slightly, “Thank you so much!” I reached to give her a hug and murmured, “Nurse Caroline, you warmed my heart. I believe you are my angel.” I looked at her necklace and said, “I haven’t known you but for about thirty minutes, but in my eyes, you are number one as a mother because your kind ways are genuine.” I held her hand. “You didn’t try to trick me, you were honest with me, and I thank you for that.”
She replied, “Dear, you’re more than welcome. We are all going to get through this, right?”
I tried to smile as I said, “Right.”
She said, “Skylar, to make this right, you first have to apologize to Dr. Grant.” Her smile was so unassuming when she told me, “It is all about respect. Dr. Grant isn’t a Grinch, she worked hard and stayed here around the clock to make sure you were okay after your surgery; and my dear, she didn’t have to.” I looked at Dr. Grant, but I didn’t say anything.
“The other day, you yelled at her and your father. Not only that, you tried to spit on her, and I know you are a good girl.”
I looked embarrassed and softly said, “Yes, ma’am, I am a good girl.”
She continued, “Then you slapped the water out of Dr. Grant’s hand when she was only trying to help you.” She paused, “Now that isn’t right.” I looked down… “No, my dear, look up and own up to what you did.”
I looked at my pops and said slowly and softly, “Pops, I apologize. May you forgive me?”
He smiled and hugged me, “I most definitely do, Sunshine.” I then looked at Dr. Grant and told her as gently as possible, because my throat was irritated, “Dr. Grant, I apologize for giving you a hard time. Thank you for staying overtime to make sure I was okay. I apologize for trying to spit on you, cursing at you, calling you a Grinch, a bitch, and for slapping the cup out of your hand. Would you accept my apology?” Dr. Grant walked over to me slowly. “Yes, I accept your apology.” I smiled slightly, “Thank you.” Dr. Grant asked for permission to give me a hug. I nodded my head yes. She gave me a hug, “Skylar, you’re more than welcome.” I looked at Nurse Caroline and said softly, “The angel who saved the day.” She responded, “Well… I wouldn’t go that far.” Once again, I tried to smile, “You let the Universe use you according to its will.” She smiled. “Who? The Universe?” I wiggled my toes and said, “Maybe you call Him God, Allah, or another name.” I continued, as I looked out of the window, “I call it the Universe because we do not know if God a male or female. We do know He, She, or It makes miracles if you have faith and believe.”
She replied, “Okay, well… as long as you believe in a higher power, I am fine with that. With that being said, I now know you better.” She walked over to me and gave me a safe, tight hug, “My dear Skylar, you’d better get your act together because the Universe is not happy with you.” She let me go… I asked her for another hug, which she was happy to give. She rocked me from side to side and said, “Let’s knock out this unhealthy addiction together.” She looked at me, “What do you say?”
I looked at Dr. Grant, and my pops and smiled at Nurse Caroline, “It won’t be easy, but I will give it a try.”
Nurse Caroline said, “All we are asking is for you to help us help you, and for you to help yourself, and that is what I call trying.”
Days have passed and I still have the feeding tube in my nose. It’s been hard… but I am trying. I can’t believe I am saying this — but I am grateful for the feeding tube because I haven’t purged in over a week. That includes when I was drugged and days of having the tube inserted. I asked Dr. Grant when will the feeding tube be taken out — she says I have to gain more pounds. I am 5’6 and I weigh 98 pounds. Before the feeding tube, I weighed 90 pounds.
During the midnight hours and during the day my body was shivering uncontrollably. Dr. Grant worked a double shift and kept me company when she could. In the meantime, she left a heat blanket for me to stay warm for a couple of hours. After she completed her rounds, she would come back to my room to check on me and keep me company.
It has been officially two weeks and counting since my surgery. It’s been rough. Last week, was the worst week ever. I guess the saying goes is true — you have to get through the storm to enjoy the rainbow after the rain.
Monday, I was fatigued more than ever. I felt helpless. My bones were hurting so bad and I felt like the blood that was flowing through my veins was frozen because I was always freezing cold. Nurse Caroline put bundles of blankets on my bed, but that didn’t cut it. My pops brought a heated blanket, but when it reached its peak temperature it still wasn’t warm enough to keep me warm. I guess it was just a phase I was going through.
Later that afternoon, I noticed my fingernails weren’t brittle, and that made me feel good. Seeing improvements made me feel like my body was thanking me for trying.
Monday evening, I was in a panic because when I brushed my hair it was falling out badly. When I looked in the mirror, I cried because my hair looked so thin, and my ends were breaking off as well. Dr. Grant assured me that my hair was shedding the ‘dead’ from what I’ve put my follicles through. All I could think of was — I did all of this to myself.
The midnight hours were the worst. I felt like my body was playing tricks on me. For the past couple of nights, I was freezing cold. However, Monday night was a whole other ball game. I was sweating badly — as if I was a drug fiend. I was dehydrated so badly to the point — I was drinking liters of water just to keep my mouth moist. My tongue felt like a tiger’s tongue–it was rough, dry, and sharp as if I had papillae on it. I didn’t understand what my body was trying to tell me. I lost hope. I felt like my body was turning its back on me. I asked Dr. Grant if it was possible to pass on counseling today. I was grateful when she approved and told me to rest. I rated Miserable Monday a 2/10. I felt helpless and hopeless, which isn’t a good combination. Again, all I could think was — I did this to myself. I gave myself a little pep talk and said to myself, if the Universe is willing to give me another chance, I will have another shot at it tomorrow.”
Tuesday, was a little better. However, it was bittersweet. I asked to be left alone because I was having a pity party. Nurse Caroline kept me company but she honored my wishes and didn’t say anything. She brought in a rocking chair from the maternity floor, and as she rocked gently in the chair, I saw that she was knitting something. I didn’t know what she was knitting, but it was colorful and so pretty. There were times when I would vomit uncontrollably, but that wasn’t my doing. Nurse Caroline was with me every moment. She held my hair back and had the vomit bag ready at all times. I guess my body had to get the toxic waste out some way or another because for two weeks I was severely constipated.
Mid-morning, I was terrified because I begin to vomit blood. Long story short, all of the vomiting damaged my feeding tube. They had to take out the old tube and replaced it with a new one. Gosh, it was painful. My body was sore all over. I couldn’t help but think again — I did this to myself.
Later that afternoon, I was dehydrated and my skin was extremely dry, cracked, and peeling as sores formed. Nurse Caroline greased my skin with Vaseline. After a couple of hours, my skin was feeling better.
During the evening my pops came to visit. We didn’t speak much, because there wasn’t much to say. Nurse Caroline filled him in on my trials and struggles. Instead, he read me one of my favorite books, Unapologetic for My Flaws and All. I love that book. Breana was so brave, and I told myself I wanted to be a fighter like her. He left the book for me to read when I needed to be inspired and encouraged.
Tuesday night was a scare. My heartbeat was irregular and I thought I was going to die, but it was just because of stress. I was looking cool on the outside, but on the inside, my body was overwhelmed with unbelievable stress and pain. I was depressed. My body was telling me to chill out and relax while it tried to heal. I had to remind myself it would take time. Before night fell, Terrified Tuesday was rated as a 1/10.
Wednesday, I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror. I said to myself… Today is a new day. I am still alive and I am going to count everything as joy. I cracked a smile and told myself, I mean everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am going to count it all pure joy.
Nurse Caroline knocked, waited on me to say come in. “Rise and shine, you are a butterfly that has been in your cocoon for way too long.”
I smiled. “Butterfly… huh…”
She replied, “Yes, ma’am, a beautiful butterfly that is ready to spread its wings and fly.”
She walked over to prepare for my sponge bath. I was excited! She told me, “Your father came by last night and brought this.” She held it up, and it was my favorite body wash.
I clapped my hands and said happily, “Body wash from Bath and Body Works! Comfort is my favorite!” My smile was wider than the sky. “My pops is the best!”
After my sponge bath, Nurse Caroline applied the Vaseline, and my skin was baby-soft. She combed and brushed my hair so gently, then opened a compact mirror and handed it to me. I smiled as I brushed my hair back with my hands. “I love my bun. It is so neat and soft.” I reached out for a hug, “Thank you, Nurse Caroline, you are the best!”
She said, “It is a beautiful day outside.”
I turned my head and agreed, “It is. It would be great to breathe some fresh air, but my bones hurt so badly and Dr. Grant…”
Dr. Grant walked in and asked, “Did I hear someone say my name?”
I smiled, “Yep, you heard right. You look pretty today. Where are you going? On a lunch date?”
Dr. Grant smiled. “I see you are in a good mood today.” She continued, “This is an old dress I found in the back of my closet. It still had the price tag on it. I decided to wear it to work today.”
As I put Vaseline on my lips I said, “Well… for once you look like a normal person instead of a person walking around in a white jacket all day.”
I winked at her. “You should wear red more often. It compliments your peachy skin and your long dark hair. If I may make a suggestion, I think if you curl your ends it would add a little volume and more bounciness to your hair.”
She walked over, sat on my bed, laughed, and asked, “What are you trying to say, Ms. Skylar?”
I laughed too, “No offense, but you are too plain. You do not have any flavor. You are a beautiful young woman who dresses and acts old.” I smiled, yet I was serious. “Dr. Grant, it’s time for a change. You have to loosen up and live life. Better yet, enjoy life.” I continued, “I am going to take my own advice as well.”
Dr. Grant kissed me on the crown of my head, “Skylar, you are too much, but you are speaking the truth, and that is why I love me some Skylar.”
I smirked, “Believe it or not, I love you too, Dr. Grant.” I looked at Nurse Caroline. “Nurse Caroline, you are my number one lady, and I love you too.”
She smiled, “I love you too, my dear little sweet butterfly!”
Nurse Caroline stepped into the hallway for a second and came back with a wheelchair. I was so excited and said, “Wait! No way! Is that for me?” They both nodded their heads yes. Nurse Caroline said, “Dr. Grant said it is about time you got out of this sickroom.”
I looked at Dr. Grant and said, “Thank you!”
She replied, “You’ve worked hard. I am glad you are feeling better and ready to live and enjoy life!”
I looked down at my fingers as she continued in a comforting voice, “Hey… don’t even think about that.” I looked up as tears formed in my eyes and said, “I remember when I gave you all such a hard time. I never wanted you to open the blinds. I wanted to live in darkness. You all asked me numerous times to enjoy the garden outside, but I was filled with so much anger and rage and yelled at you. You all wanted to help me and wanted what was best for me, but I was the problem.”
Nurse Caroline walked over, hugged me, and cradled me in her arms. “No, my dear butterfly, fear was the problem. You had to find the courage to go toe-to-toe and stand up to fear.” She wiped my eyes. “And you did — because you are here.” She had tears in her eyes too as she continued, “If you didn’t go down the rugged roads weeks ago, you wouldn’t be who you are now. You have grown in a short period of time. That is why I call you my butterfly.”
Dr. Grant said, “You are improving because you wanted to help yourself. It always starts with being willing to help yourself first. We can only do but so much. We are following your lead. Once you were willing to love yourself more and took a stand to help yourself, we fell right into line.” She hugged me and said, “I am proud of you.” She looked over at Nurse Caroline and said, “We are proud of you.”
My pops walked in, “I am proud of you too!” I pointed to myself, “I am proud of me too.”
I opened my arms as my pops walked towards me and asked him, “What are you doing here?” He said, “I heard you were going to take a stroll outside today and I didn’t want to miss a milestone.” I smiled. “Let’s get some fresh air, you guys!”
As my pops helped me in the wheelchair. I laughed, “Oh my gosh, wait. My butt is out. I need another gown.” Dr. Grant wrapped another gown around me. Nurse Caroline put a couple of blankets on my legs and my pops started to roll me out the door. Dr. Grant and Nurse Caroline joined us for a little while.
It was a lovely bright sunny September day. The leaves had changed colors — and they were breathtaking. My pops said, “Sunshine, today is such a beautiful day.”
I took a deep breath and said, “Yes, it is, and it smells good too!” I smiled and asked him to spin the wheelchair around slowly. As he spun it around, I closed my eyes, opened my arms wide, and asked, “Nurse Caroline, do you see my wings?”
She said, “My dear beautiful butterfly, I sure do and they are lovely!”
After about thirty minutes, Dr. Grant and Nurse Caroline had to leave because they had to attend to other patients. My pops and I talked until Dr. Warner showed up for our appointment. Dr. Warner is my psychiatrist. She is young and must be in her late 20s to early 30s, somewhere along that line. Dr. Warner is very pretty. Her skin is a brown blaze glow tone. It is always glowing and she always smells like fresh lavender. Her hair is natural — she always has a protective style. Most of the time, she has it pinned up in a goddess braid. She walked in today dressed in a navy-blue pantsuit and a shirt with a red collar, carrying a briefcase and legal pad. “Hey, Skylar. Hello, Mr. Owens. It is a fine day to have a therapy session outside.”
I smiled, “Hello, Dr. Warner. Yes, it is a peaceful beautiful day.” My pops said, “Hello” and agreed. Dr. Warner said, “It is so good to see you feeling and doing better.”
She continued, “Mr. Owens, how are you feeling today?” He replied, “Good, thanks for asking, and you?” Dr. Warner, replied, “I am feeling well, thanks.”
She pulled out some papers from her briefcase and announced, “Okay, let’s get started,” and asked me what I would like to talk about today.
I said, “Well… I want to start off by saying today I looked in the mirror and said I am going to make the good and the bad count today. I told myself I was going to count it all pure joy. The past weeks, and most definitely this week, have been challenging, but I am willing to keep trying.” Dr. Warner nodded her head. I continued, “Today, I am happy.” I looked at my pops, “Thank you for my favorite body wash from Bath and Body Works!”
He replied, “You’re Welcome, Sunshine.”
Dr. Warner said, “That was nice. My favorite scent from Bath and Body Works is Comfort. What’s yours?”
I laughed, “Really? My favorite is Comfort too!”
Dr. Warner said, “It seems like you are off to a great start — and I want to keep it that way.”
I started to play with my fingers again, “I am kind of sad because my maternal parent hasn’t visited me since I’ve been here.” I kept looking at my fingers, “She never supported me and she is part of the reason why I am here.”
Dr. Warner asked, “How is that so?”
I didn’t look-up. “I’d rather not talk about it right now. My maternal parent makes me bitter. Today has been a sweet day, and I want to keep it that way.” I looked at them both and said, “I don’t even know why I brought her up.” Dr. Warner told me, “We can talk about it whenever you are ready and comfortable.” I looked at Dr. Warner, “Thanks for respecting my wishes and not pressuring me.”
She said, “Well… you should be proud of yourself because you picked up the hammer and cracked the concrete. That’s a start.”
I didn’t look too happy.
She continued, “Skylar, remember, we all have to start from somewhere. You made another step today.”
I smiled. “I made another step and I will count them all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”
Later that evening, I rested well, but my skin gave me a hard time. It was so rough and dry, but Nurse Caroline used Vaseline to ease the dryness. Before I went to bed, I read my book and rated Wonderful Wednesday an 8/10.
Thursday came around fast and I didn’t feel my best. I didn’t go outside because it was raining. I lay on my right side as I watch the raindrops on my window pane. Each raindrop represented a tear I had cried ever since I can remember. My blood pressure dropped today. I still was constipated and my blood work came back saying I had low bone density, so I received a treatment for calcium today. The feeding tube got the best of me — it hurt more than usual. I reminded myself to count it all joy, the good, the bad, and the hurt.
Dr. Grant kept me company for a little while. We didn’t say much. She was back to her old self, wearing her white coat, and looking plain. We played Uno — I won two rounds and she won four. My bones were aching. She didn’t mind giving me a leg and foot massage. I thought that was nice of her. I appreciated it.
Nurse Caroline kept me company too. She brought in tons of blankets because I was cold. She read me a couple of chapters of a book called The Secret. I loved it! She left it for me to read on my own.
My pops came in with some Comfort spray from Bath and Body Works. It brightened up my day because it smelled so good! I didn’t have counseling today because I didn’t feel up to it. Plus, my body wouldn’t allow me to. I rated Trying Thursday a 5/10. I read my favorite book and told myself, tomorrow will be a better day.
During the midnight hours, I vomited until I urinated on myself. Nurse Caroline was working a double shift, and I was so happy she was there. She gave me a good wash up, changed my sheets and clothes. I felt like pure rotten shit. My head was hurting so bad, not to mention, I had a fever. Come to find out when Dr. Grant arrived, she told my pops and me I had an infection from the feeding tube. They removed it and instantly I felt better, however, I was still weak. My throat and chest were hurting.
Friday early morning hours were the worst, but I got through it. I counted it all joy. Nurse Caroline helped me brush my teeth. She washed me up again and I felt so fresh. It was cloudy outside but cozy in my room. I read my book and took it easy.
Today, was the first time in a long time that I put food in my mouth. I felt like I forgot how to chew. Dr. Grant said, “We are going to take it lightly.” Breakfast I had… yep, you guessed it right, yogurt. I didn’t see anything else on my plate and asked, “Am I only eating yogurt today?”
My pops walked in the door and said, “Nope.”
I smiled and asked him, “How do you happen to always show up at the right time?”
He replied, “Because when you are given special permission by Dr. Grant, Nurse Caroline and Dr. Warner. They contacted me and asked me if I wanted to make a special meal for you today.”
He smiled, sat on my bed, pulled out a plastic container from a brown paper bag, and said, “I made you some creamy, warm, light, and smooth Cream of Wheat.”
I looked nervous and started to panic. My hands were sweaty. My face immediately broke out in a sweat as well. My heart was beating fast. Dr. Grant softly said as she rubbed my back, “It’s okay. Give it a try.”
Nurse Caroline said, “It looks yummy.” She walked over and got a container from the nurse’s desk and asked did I care to share.
I smiled, “Well… it looks as though we have more than enough.”
Dr. Grant walked over and got a paper plate and asked, “May I have some too?”
I smiled and blushed at the same time, “Of course.”
My pops asked for two paper plates. Dr. Grant passed them to him, and he said, “Thank you.”
Pops poured the Cream of Wheat for everyone. It was so creamy. It seemed like the steam from the Cream of Wheat was making a heart on each of our plates. Everyone was slowly eating some hot, soothing Cream of Wheat. I hesitated…but I closed my eyes, put the spoon in my mouth, savored the flavor and taste of the Cream of Wheat. As it went down my throat it was so warm and comforting. I felt like my throat was saying, “Aahh, thank you!” Everyone was quiet as we all enjoyed our smooth and heart-warming Cream of Wheat.
Afterwards, my pops took me out for a little while. It began to rain, and the fresh air from the rain felt like it was cleansing my soul. We sat in the shed and enjoyed the breeze. As I took in a deep breath, I felt renewed. As I released each breath, I let go of negative thoughts and energy.
My pops and I sat outside until it was lunchtime. When he wheeled me into my room, I could see a lot of starch — creamed corn, mashed potatoes, and mashed sweet peas. For dessert, I had a small cup of strawberry Jell-O. Honestly, I was afraid to see it, let alone eat it all.
Nurse Caroline, Nurse Barbra, and my pops brought their lunch into my room. They pulled up their chairs, put on the TV, and started to eat their lunch. They didn’t make eye contact with me. I looked at Nurse Caroline — she was going to town chewing her tuna sandwich. She pulled out some plain Lays potatoes chips, opened them up, and started to munch on them with her sandwich.
I looked at Nurse Barbara, and she was mixing up her salad with some Thousand Island dressing. After she stirred it to her liking, she dug her fork in the salad and took a huge bite.
I looked over at my pops, and he was eating a honey bun and sipping on coffee. I looked at Nurse Caroline one more time — she looked at me as she put more chips in her mouth and said, “My dear, I can’t eat just one.”
I smiled slightly.
I stirred my creamed corn and very slowly put it in my mouth. I chewed a little, but not too much, because it was creamy. I looked at everyone, but their eyes were fixed on the TV. I took another bite — it wasn’t too bad. I put it aside and tasted the mashed potatoes. That wasn’t too bad; it was just plain. I didn’t care for the mashed potatoes so I decided to finish the sweet creamy corn. I tried the mashed peas, and they were pretty good. I ate them all up. I looked at my mashed potatoes and told myself, I am going to count it all joy, the good, the bad, and the nasty. I made myself eat the mashed potatoes because I didn’t ever want to see another feeding tube. After I finished everything, I ate my dessert. I looked down at my plate and was scared because I’d eaten all my food. I wondered how many pounds I was going to gain. I started to cry.
Nurse Caroline said, “My dear butterfly, what is the matter?” I said, “I am fat. The food is making me fat.” She hugged me close to her chest and said, “No, you are trying to become healthy. Instead of saying you are fat, say I am healthy.” As she was rocking me in her arms a Lays commercial came on the TV and announced, “I bet you can’t eat just one.” I looked at Nurse Caroline, and we laughed. She said, “I told you, I couldn’t eat just one!” I hugged Nurse Caroline. “Nurse Caroline, you are the best!” Fearless Friday was scary, but I conquered my fears. After dinner, (I didn’t eat everything on my plate, but I did eat the creamed corn and asked for seconds. I tried the mashed squash, but it was horrible and didn’t have any flavor. I tried the broccoli soup, but Geesh, it was disgusting too. I was given two strawberry Powerade’s! I also managed to drink my required water for the day.)
Dr. Warner arrived. She had heard about my challenges and accomplishments. She applauds me for conquering my fears. I appreciate her for that. Before I went to bed, I gave fearless Friday a 10/10.
Last week, was bittersweet but I had support from my pops, Dr. Grant, Nurse Caroline, Nurse Barbra, and my psychiatrist, Dr. Warner, who is a good listener. Overall, I give my bittersweet week a 9/10.
Charlena E. Jackson, Dying on The Inside and Suffocating on The Outside
#Relationship #Eatung Disorder #Love #Inspirational #Teens